Editorial: Thanks To Andrew Garfield, I Now Have The Courage To Identify As Straight*

*Without the physical act

Originally published on The Second City Network. Additionally featured on Huffington Post Queer Voices. Enjoy!

All my life, I knew there was something different about me.

Identifying as gay felt hard. Sometimes difficult. Sometimes I felt unsure, uncomfortable… unwelcomed, even. Also, I really like woodworking! If it weren’t for Andrew Garfield’s recent announcement, I’m not sure I’d even have the courage to break it to myself that I am a straight man right now, just without the physical act.

God, what a relief this is to say! I always felt like something was a little off about me. I can’t explain to you why, but I never really felt OK having “faggot” yelled at me by a stranger for holding my boyfriend’s hand in public. Once, someone even threw an aluminum water bottle at us. It was then–as my temple bled–that I first thought: maybe I would feel more comfortable being straight! I already wore discounted Sketchers, after all! Perhaps the only reason I thought I was “gay” was because I really “like dick.” So?!

A weight is off my shoulders! You know, I should have caught this sooner. When the President of the United States went all thirty days of June, 2017 without ever recognizing National Pride Month, I kinda wasn’t too pleased. To me, it sucked. In fact, it really sucked. In retrospect, it’s obvious that I only felt hurt because I identified as homosexual. So now, I’m opting out of this pain: I hereby identify as an “Anchorman”-quoting straight man. Aside from having zero romantic or sexual desire for the opposite sex.

Rejoice! I breathe easier now, joining a community that is not refused service by religious bakeries, not ostracized by bigoted family members, and not targeted by bullies/internet trolls/the police/septuagenarians from Alabama/gunmen. Duh! No longer will I have to deal with all of that mess. I carry a SportClips punch card, damn it! I now realize—deep down—I am a tried-and-true heterosexual.

Who, physically, is a gold star gay with no intent on changing that whatsoever. 😉 😉 😉

I just feel like myself now, and it’s all thanks to my hero, Andrew Garfield. Before him, I had no idea I could exempt myself from all of the negatives of being a part of the LGBTQ community. I look forward to no longer feeling fear, shame, and prejudice. Hooray! And to Andrew, I’m sure you’ll fare better with it than I did. (I will say, however, you are missing out on the best part!)

You Stay Classy! Great Odin’s Raven! Scotchy, scotch, scotch…

Horror Movies for Introverts

Origingally published at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
A collaboration with Maggie Phenicie.


Rosemary’s Baby Shower

The Hills Make Eye Contact

A Door-to-Door Salesman on Elm Street

Mrs. Blair’s Group Project

The Texas Roadhouse Birthday Song Massacre

House of 1,000 Kappa Deltas

V for Vocal Cab Driver

I Know What Library Book You Dog Eared Last Summer

King Conga Line

The Human Cashier

The Silence of Dad at My Art Show

Carrie (Underwood Concert Tickets)

Invasion of the Blanket Snatchers

The Ropes Course Work Retreat in the Woods

Normal Activity