Editorial: Thanks To Andrew Garfield, I Now Have The Courage To Identify As Straight*

*Without the physical act

Originally published on The Second City Network. Additionally featured on Huffington Post Queer Voices. Enjoy!

All my life, I knew there was something different about me.

Identifying as gay felt hard. Sometimes difficult. Sometimes I felt unsure, uncomfortable… unwelcomed, even. Also, I really like woodworking! If it weren’t for Andrew Garfield’s recent announcement, I’m not sure I’d even have the courage to break it to myself that I am a straight man right now, just without the physical act.

God, what a relief this is to say! I always felt like something was a little off about me. I can’t explain to you why, but I never really felt OK having “faggot” yelled at me by a stranger for holding my boyfriend’s hand in public. Once, someone even threw an aluminum water bottle at us. It was then–as my temple bled–that I first thought: maybe I would feel more comfortable being straight! I already wore discounted Sketchers, after all! Perhaps the only reason I thought I was “gay” was because I really “like dick.” So?!

A weight is off my shoulders! You know, I should have caught this sooner. When the President of the United States went all thirty days of June, 2017 without ever recognizing National Pride Month, I kinda wasn’t too pleased. To me, it sucked. In fact, it really sucked. In retrospect, it’s obvious that I only felt hurt because I identified as homosexual. So now, I’m opting out of this pain: I hereby identify as an “Anchorman”-quoting straight man. Aside from having zero romantic or sexual desire for the opposite sex.

Rejoice! I breathe easier now, joining a community that is not refused service by religious bakeries, not ostracized by bigoted family members, and not targeted by bullies/internet trolls/the police/septuagenarians from Alabama/gunmen. Duh! No longer will I have to deal with all of that mess. I carry a SportClips punch card, damn it! I now realize—deep down—I am a tried-and-true heterosexual.

Who, physically, is a gold star gay with no intent on changing that whatsoever. 😉 😉 😉

I just feel like myself now, and it’s all thanks to my hero, Andrew Garfield. Before him, I had no idea I could exempt myself from all of the negatives of being a part of the LGBTQ community. I look forward to no longer feeling fear, shame, and prejudice. Hooray! And to Andrew, I’m sure you’ll fare better with it than I did. (I will say, however, you are missing out on the best part!)

You Stay Classy! Great Odin’s Raven! Scotchy, scotch, scotch…