This piece was originally featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
Thank you for your email. I will be OOOO (Out of Oval Office) until Monday, August 21st. I’ve worked so incredibly hard for the past six months, so I am taking a much-need, taxpayer-funded vacation that will profit my private business.
Instead of working in the dumpy White House — seriously, these 18th-century Hepplewhite chairs break EVERY TIME I lean back in them — I will be at my own private golf club in New Jersey, our wonderful nation’s disgusting armpit, because that is the only place I can find people to pay to like me these days.
While I’m OOOO, I will be intermittently checking Twitter; about eight or nine times each hour, or anytime @kylegriffin1 tweets, whichever is more.
If you have an urgent internal issue, please do not contact Chief of Staff John Kelly because he just started on Monday and is still completing his unpaid training hours.
If you are part of the Fake News Media, please do not contact Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, as she has no man in charge of her right now and thus cannot be expected to rationally function as a professional.
If you are from either the Boy Scouts of America or the Mexican Government… what is it now? We just had a great talk last week! This is true.
If you are the Mooch — oh Mooch, you were so tremendous. Just great. Never email me again.
If you are Robert Mueller, don’t bother to leave a message. Really, just hang up. This is my red line. Don’t cross it. I have no time — zero time — for witch hunts out on the fairways, Bob.
When I am no longer OOOO, I will respond to emails by sender in the following order:
- White men in pantsuits
- Women in bathing suits
- My own sons in lawsuits
- End of list.
Thank you, HAGS, and let’s pick up Making America Great Again in late August! After Labor Day at the latest!!!
Founder, Trump National Golf Club
Former Owner, Miss Universe Pageant
(Also: President of the United States of America)