This was originally published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

1. I CAN’T ADULT TODAY = “I’m rebranding my woeful incompetence as cute”

2. I’M SILENTLY CORRECTING YOUR GRAMMAR = “My comparative lit degree has not benefitted me financially”

3. SLAY ALL DAY = “Fabletics all day”

4. GOOD VIBES ONLY = “This morning I screamed at a barista”

5. NO DAYS OFF = “Saturdays and Sundays off”

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE— BUT IT HELPS! = “This job affords me a generous 401k matching plan but Allison in HR likes to talk about The Crown too much”

7. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL = “My Fabletics are black”

8. SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED = “It just turns me on to see that he’s turned on”

9. TREAT YO SELF = “I stress-eat six Milano cookies before every performance review”

10. GIVE THE SCARY LADY SOME COFFEE = “I could have been a painter, you know. I could have gone to art school, studied under Kara Walker and Dana Schutz. Instead, I’m an office manager in Voorhees Township, New Jersey. The Sip & Paint is on my route home, actually. I often see happy people painting through the window. I have never gone inside. Happy people don’t produce good art.”

11. FRIDAY IS MY SECOND FAVORITE ‘F’ WORD = “My favorite ‘F’ word is ‘Fabletics’”

12. THIS MIGHT BE VODKA = “This is coffee”