Out of Oval Office Auto-Reply

This piece was originally featured on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Thank you for your email. I will be OOOO (Out of Oval Office) until Monday, August 21st. I’ve worked so incredibly hard for the past six months, so I am taking a much-need, taxpayer-funded vacation that will profit my private business.

Instead of working in the dumpy White House — seriously, these 18th-century Hepplewhite chairs break EVERY TIME I lean back in them — I will be at my own private golf club in New Jersey, our wonderful nation’s disgusting armpit, because that is the only place I can find people to pay to like me these days.

While I’m OOOO, I will be intermittently checking Twitter; about eight or nine times each hour, or anytime @kylegriffin1 tweets, whichever is more.

If you have an urgent internal issue, please do not contact Chief of Staff John Kelly because he just started on Monday and is still completing his unpaid training hours.

If you are part of the Fake News Media, please do not contact Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, as she has no man in charge of her right now and thus cannot be expected to rationally function as a professional.

If you are from either the Boy Scouts of America or the Mexican Government… what is it now? We just had a great talk last week! This is true.

If you are the Mooch — oh Mooch, you were so tremendous. Just great. Never email me again.

If you are Robert Mueller, don’t bother to leave a message. Really, just hang up. This is my red line. Don’t cross it. I have no time — zero time — for witch hunts out on the fairways, Bob.

When I am no longer OOOO, I will respond to emails by sender in the following order:

  • White men in pantsuits
  • Women in bathing suits
  • My own sons in lawsuits
  • End of list.

Thank you, HAGS, and let’s pick up Making America Great Again in late August! After Labor Day at the latest!!!

Yours Truly,
Donald Trump
Founder, Trump National Golf Club
Former Owner, Miss Universe Pageant
(Also: President of the United States of America)

Editorial: Thanks To Andrew Garfield, I Now Have The Courage To Identify As Straight*

*Without the physical act

Originally published on The Second City Network. Additionally featured on Huffington Post Queer Voices. Enjoy!

All my life, I knew there was something different about me.

Identifying as gay felt hard. Sometimes difficult. Sometimes I felt unsure, uncomfortable… unwelcomed, even. Also, I really like woodworking! If it weren’t for Andrew Garfield’s recent announcement, I’m not sure I’d even have the courage to break it to myself that I am a straight man right now, just without the physical act.

God, what a relief this is to say! I always felt like something was a little off about me. I can’t explain to you why, but I never really felt OK having “faggot” yelled at me by a stranger for holding my boyfriend’s hand in public. Once, someone even threw an aluminum water bottle at us. It was then–as my temple bled–that I first thought: maybe I would feel more comfortable being straight! I already wore discounted Sketchers, after all! Perhaps the only reason I thought I was “gay” was because I really “like dick.” So?!

A weight is off my shoulders! You know, I should have caught this sooner. When the President of the United States went all thirty days of June, 2017 without ever recognizing National Pride Month, I kinda wasn’t too pleased. To me, it sucked. In fact, it really sucked. In retrospect, it’s obvious that I only felt hurt because I identified as homosexual. So now, I’m opting out of this pain: I hereby identify as an “Anchorman”-quoting straight man. Aside from having zero romantic or sexual desire for the opposite sex.

Rejoice! I breathe easier now, joining a community that is not refused service by religious bakeries, not ostracized by bigoted family members, and not targeted by bullies/internet trolls/the police/septuagenarians from Alabama/gunmen. Duh! No longer will I have to deal with all of that mess. I carry a SportClips punch card, damn it! I now realize—deep down—I am a tried-and-true heterosexual.

Who, physically, is a gold star gay with no intent on changing that whatsoever. 😉 😉 😉

I just feel like myself now, and it’s all thanks to my hero, Andrew Garfield. Before him, I had no idea I could exempt myself from all of the negatives of being a part of the LGBTQ community. I look forward to no longer feeling fear, shame, and prejudice. Hooray! And to Andrew, I’m sure you’ll fare better with it than I did. (I will say, however, you are missing out on the best part!)

You Stay Classy! Great Odin’s Raven! Scotchy, scotch, scotch…

Horror Movies for Introverts

Origingally published at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
A collaboration with Maggie Phenicie.

 

Rosemary’s Baby Shower

The Hills Make Eye Contact

A Door-to-Door Salesman on Elm Street

Mrs. Blair’s Group Project

The Texas Roadhouse Birthday Song Massacre

House of 1,000 Kappa Deltas

V for Vocal Cab Driver

I Know What Library Book You Dog Eared Last Summer

King Conga Line

The Human Cashier

The Silence of Dad at My Art Show

Carrie (Underwood Concert Tickets)

Invasion of the Blanket Snatchers

The Ropes Course Work Retreat in the Woods

Normal Activity

How Donald Trump Can Make ‘SNL’ Great Again

This article was originally published on The Second City Network, and featured The Huffington Post.

After last week’s takedown of the second Presidential Debate, Donald Trump called Saturday Night Live “boring and unfunny” after their jokes went orange once again. Trump even called for the 42-season strong show to be cancelled, which frankly seems unfair to all the conservatives that just hopped on the SNL train when Trump himself hosted last year!

Instead of removing sexy-stack-of-buttered-pancakes Colin Jost from television entirely, let’s consider how Mr. Trump can make SNL great again in ways he’s proven to be comfortable with.

Feature only American hosts

Two of this season’s first three hosts have been foreigners, and we’ve simply got to get those jobs back for our own citizens first. While Margot Robbie and Emily Blunt are undeniably talented, they are personally robbing every American celebrity with a timely movie release of a one-week gig. Sad!

Repeal the free ticket system

Currently, tickets to SNL are free to everyone — it’s a disaster! Instead of constantly taking NBC handouts, SNL should be making its own revenue the American way. Tickets to the live show are a beautiful, piebald cash cow just waiting to be milked; we just need to grab it by the udder.

Launch the *secret* plan to take down CBS

CBS is a real concern for Saturday Night Live’s network, NBC. Trump probably has a foolproof plan to total victory, but he can’t publish it on the internet because he doesn’t want the enemy to know the secret plan. But trust him, he knows an absolute way to get Elementary pushed to Tuesdays at 5:00.

Make sure nobody’s rigging the ratings

Ratings fraud is a huuuuge issue in this country, and we need to make sure we know just how many people arereally tuning in every weekend so that Donald doesn’t cancel it. If you are interested in helping, recruitment is currently underway for “observer observers” to go into American homes and tally SNL viewership. I watch it, you watch it, everybody watches it!

Air at a more convenient time

Preferably between 3 and 5 AM—truly a great time to share awesome video content. Furthermore, it’s demonstrably the best hour to do something if you want people to never forget it.

Coming Out on Social Media for Maximum Likes, Loves and Wows

October 11th marks the 28th annual National Coming Out Day–a day to celebrate pride and to recognize that being true to yourself can be genuinely challenging, even when your mom says she knew all along.

But coming out wasn’t always as difficult as it is now. Three decades ago, LGBTQ people just had to fight for visibility, acceptance, and validity. With the merciless abundance of anonymous judgement, damning immortality and epic clapbacks, today’s queer community is burdened with the arduous struggle for attention on multiple platforms. Here’s what you need to know to come out on *gulp* social media.

Be comfortable with the platform

Social media is fluid and ever-changing, which can make choosing your platform for coming out hard. Do not feel pressured to come out via an Instagram story if you’re still confused by its interface. Use the app that you know well enough to discreetly navigate while at the family dinner table. The most fundamental part of the irreversible reveal of your marginalized sexual orientation is your personal comfort with available filters.

DM a friend

When you’re diving into public outhood, it’s helpful to have somebody already on your side. No longer must you manufacture one-on-one alone time with your bestie confidante to spill your rainbow beans. Instead, you can intimately share the private details of your sexual orientation with a trusted friend by shooting him or her a direct message that may or may not get read.

Find the right time

If you’re going to bare your identity to the world, you certainly want to be sure people will actually see it, right? Know that Facebook engagement peaks from 1-4 pm on weekdays. People retweet like rabbits at lunchtime. And you can forget about all plans to come out with LinkedIn on a Friday!

Additionally, be careful to select a time when your news is the biggest news in order to gain new followers. Don’t come out in the wake of a large-scale tragedy, disaster, or football game. In the end, you’ll find you actually have very limited options for mass exposure, which will make it easier to decide when it feels right tocome out.

The wordier, the better

If there’s one universal truth about social media, it’s that everybody reads everything on their feed. There are so many ways to verbalize your sexuality, so undo all preconceived limits and ramble though at least six of them.

Show and tell

Add a visual aid to your outing to make it feel easier! GIFs, memes or videos can help powerfully express delicate emotions that one perhaps cannot put into simple words. Like the feeling of a cat cautiously slapping a zucchini. Or go for the gold by posting your own YouTube video. If you can wring enough melodrama out of your viral outing, you could even start seeing some hard cash! Welcome to the business of coming out of the closet.

Wait for a reaction

Your followers won’t all react immediately, and that’s OK. “Likes,” “loves” and “wows” take time to accumulate, but you must trust that they will. In extreme cases, some people won’t even react to your announcement for a whole three hours. Be patient, and remember that others may be on an airplane or swimming at the time that you post.

Succumb to outside pressure

Everybody is doing it lately, and they set great examples—especially the successful, conventionally attractive, white male celebrities who have dominated all social media platforms upon coming out. These men bravely came out with the added pressure of having a large fan base to appease, distinguished Hollywood roles to play, and Olympic medals to polish. If these guys can successfully come out in 2016 on scary social media, so can you!

This post was originally published by the Second City Network.

Five Other Times I Temporarily Boycotted Ben & Jerry’s Forever

Ben & Jerry’s just publicly expressed support for the Black Lives Matter movement, prompting any true American to boycott their products forever! But this isn’t Ben & Jerry’s first time mixing politics into their ice cream, and it’s not my first time boycotting them, either. Here are five other times I temporarily boycotted this delicious duo forever:

5. When they introduced the ECO-Pint

In 2001, Ben & Jerry’s began exclusively using unbleached paperboard for all their packaging. Now, I would never serve my family dinner on an unbleached tabletop, so why would I ever succumb to their hippie ideals by eating Chunky Monkey from an unbleached carton?!

Boycotted forever for 5 years: Until this packaging decision was reversed in 2006 for cost and production purposes. Heck yeah, Capitalism!

4. When they didn’t use cloned milk

On April 1st, 2009, Ben and Jerry’s announced that they operated CyClone Dairy, a supplier of milk exclusively from bovine clones. Turns out it was all just one wild, tasteless April Fool’s gag… that they used as an outlet to criticize the lactate of honest, hardworking, American-grown cow clones.

Boycotted forever for 2 years: One for getting up in arms about cloned milk, and an extra penalty year for tricking the wits out of me.

3. When they put a woman on their packaging

In 2012, the famous ice cream manufacturer launched a line of frozen yogurts. As an open-minded individual, I can understand the value of including trendy frozen yogurt in the ice cream aisle. But when they made their “Liz Lemon” flavor dedicated to a brunette woman, I was livid. That’s an entire flavor I couldn’t try without surrendering my manhood!

Boycotted forever for 5 months: Until I inadvertently watched an episode of 30 Rock and realized Liz Lemon wasn’t so womanly after all.

2. When they protested oil drilling

On Earth Day (inherently a red flag!) in 2005, Ben & Jerry’s took part in a protest against oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, showing off by making the world’s largest Baked Alaska. I guess B & J’s forgot that they need oil to keep their mixers slick!

Boycotted forever for 45 minutes: Until they invited everyone to eat the Baked Alaska, and it actually tasted as grand as it looked!

1. When I found out “Cherry Garcia” was a lazy pun on “Jerry Garcia”

This was just last week. I was about to eat some Cherry Garcia, and I suddenly realized it was a lazy, childish pun on the name Jerry Garcia. These brainiacs just changed the “Juh” to a “Chuh,” and now they have a dessert dynasty! What’s worse, Jerry Garcia is a bohemian musician from San Francisco who fronted a 1960s counterculture jam band. As soon as I landed that mental somersault, I instantly boycotted all Ben & Jerry’s products.

Boycotted forever for 20 seconds: Until the microwave thawed my ice cream to *just* the right temperature.

This post was originally published on the Second City Network.