Five Other Times I Temporarily Boycotted Ben & Jerry’s Forever

Ben & Jerry’s just publicly expressed support for the Black Lives Matter movement, prompting any true American to boycott their products forever! But this isn’t Ben & Jerry’s first time mixing politics into their ice cream, and it’s not my first time boycotting them, either. Here are five other times I temporarily boycotted this delicious duo forever:

5. When they introduced the ECO-Pint

In 2001, Ben & Jerry’s began exclusively using unbleached paperboard for all their packaging. Now, I would never serve my family dinner on an unbleached tabletop, so why would I ever succumb to their hippie ideals by eating Chunky Monkey from an unbleached carton?!

Boycotted forever for 5 years: Until this packaging decision was reversed in 2006 for cost and production purposes. Heck yeah, Capitalism!

4. When they didn’t use cloned milk

On April 1st, 2009, Ben and Jerry’s announced that they operated CyClone Dairy, a supplier of milk exclusively from bovine clones. Turns out it was all just one wild, tasteless April Fool’s gag… that they used as an outlet to criticize the lactate of honest, hardworking, American-grown cow clones.

Boycotted forever for 2 years: One for getting up in arms about cloned milk, and an extra penalty year for tricking the wits out of me.

3. When they put a woman on their packaging

In 2012, the famous ice cream manufacturer launched a line of frozen yogurts. As an open-minded individual, I can understand the value of including trendy frozen yogurt in the ice cream aisle. But when they made their “Liz Lemon” flavor dedicated to a brunette woman, I was livid. That’s an entire flavor I couldn’t try without surrendering my manhood!

Boycotted forever for 5 months: Until I inadvertently watched an episode of 30 Rock and realized Liz Lemon wasn’t so womanly after all.

2. When they protested oil drilling

On Earth Day (inherently a red flag!) in 2005, Ben & Jerry’s took part in a protest against oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, showing off by making the world’s largest Baked Alaska. I guess B & J’s forgot that they need oil to keep their mixers slick!

Boycotted forever for 45 minutes: Until they invited everyone to eat the Baked Alaska, and it actually tasted as grand as it looked!

1. When I found out “Cherry Garcia” was a lazy pun on “Jerry Garcia”

This was just last week. I was about to eat some Cherry Garcia, and I suddenly realized it was a lazy, childish pun on the name Jerry Garcia. These brainiacs just changed the “Juh” to a “Chuh,” and now they have a dessert dynasty! What’s worse, Jerry Garcia is a bohemian musician from San Francisco who fronted a 1960s counterculture jam band. As soon as I landed that mental somersault, I instantly boycotted all Ben & Jerry’s products.

Boycotted forever for 20 seconds: Until the microwave thawed my ice cream to *just* the right temperature.

This post was originally published on the Second City Network.